Philosophy For Humans: I

Today’s Track: God Shuffled His Feet--Crash Test Dummies


There is, I have noticed, a great deal of stress afflicting humanity these days. And I've come to the conclusion that this is due, at least in part, to the lack of free alcohol. But not helping matters any is the fact that, ever since the first proto-hominid creature pondered the unfairness of the cosmos while crumpled in a painful heap beneath his favorite tree, man has been unable to get a firm grasp on (Mr. Adams forgive me) life, the universe, and everything.
There are some questions, generally frightfully important ones, whose answers--such as whether Howard Stern is actually human or not--we cannot grasp. So man, in his unflagging drive to find new excuses to consume controlled substances, devised philosophy. This worked just fine for many years, and satisfied all of humanity's thirst for pointless intellectual trivia. But man is a fickle creature. (Fickle: From the Ancient Greek for possessing the attention span of a goldfish). Thus the eternal quest for enlightenment was interrupted by a few generations of wars, exploratory geography, and cable television. Then came the Information Age. Suddenly every piece of knowledge ever collected was amassed and put within easy reach of anyone who cared to look for it. A virtual intellectual utopia could now be born, where one had but to conceive of a question and it could be answered. The mind of man, that which set him above the beast and bird, would ascend to perfection. Naturally, mankind wasted not a single instant in implementing this unimaginable intellectual resource to view pornography.
But there are still a few individuals, mainly of the chemically-augmented variety, who insist on fanning the guttering flame of human curiosity--despite the obvious danger that a Congressional probe, probably headed by Dan Quayle, could be launched to address the subject. But, oddly enough, centuries of cognitive apathy have somehow failed to prepare man to answer the big questions. Go figure. So, in between bong hits, modern “philosophers” are quite distressed.
Well, never fear. The Masked Logician is here to help.
Beginning today, I will, from time to time, endeavor to tackle some of the perplexing issues facing us advanced primates in today’s world. Don’t forget to take copious notes, because I don’t plan on repeating myself.

Today’s Question:

Is there a God?

Now there is a tough one. Probably the single most intractable conundrum to ever be lampooned in a personal web-journal. Perhaps it would be easier to break the issue down into small, easily digestible pieces.
First, consider what you know about whichever God(s)/Goddess(es) you most strongly believe in. On average, omnipotent, omniscient, and inexplicably angry. Sounds a lot like the IRS to me, how about you? Now, think about this: If you were all of those things, would you bother with the likes of yourself?
Second, what about the creation of the universe? Supposedly, God(s)/Whatever, at some point, decided to create everything that is. Now, some people are prone to ask : What did God do for all eternity before there was anything? This is a good question, but a better one would be: Why, after all eternity with nothing--or whatever your particular creation story dictates--would God bother to make anything at all? Does this sound like plausible behavior for any being?
Lastly, reflect on what it would mean if there were a Creator. That would necessitate the existence of an eternal entity who is beyond all constraints of our reality, and who, despite being able to do/have/be absolutely anyhting, wished to spend all Its time watching us. Of course, there’s always the alternative: Against all cosmological and evolutionary odds, “intelligent” life evolved on a tiny little mote in a vast, swirling confusion of inexplicable--and here I use the precise scientific terminology--stuff. Obviously, this is absolutely, unequivocally preposterous as well.
So there you have it. Thank you all for coming, don’t forget to read chapters one and two for homework, and take your damned chewing gum wads with you when you leave.
But I know, some of you out there are shouting: But you didn’t answer anything, you miserable fraud! I feel like opening your skull with a surgical-quality hammer and spitting inside!
Well, first of all, that’s not very nice. Also, I’m sure your saliva would be far from the most dangerous thing floating around in my head, at any rate.
And besides, I meant to lay all your questions to rest. I really did. Unfortunately, it’s getting very late, and all that pornography ain’t going to appreciate itself.