T.G.I.T. (Almost)

Good news, everyone. In just over 24 hours, polling places throughout the US will close their doors behind the last of us John Q. Leverpullers and we can put this whole quasi-democratic farce behind us for four more years. Don't mistake me: I'm all in favor of voting. In point of fact, I'm going to take this final opportunity to throw my voice into the general hue and cry by saying to all of you eligible voters cursed with malformed civic awareness glands, "Get off your lazy ass and punch a ballot.” A lab rat can be trained to press a button, and odds are that the rat would only be about half as informed about politics as the average American, so you have no excuse. But, you ask, didn’t you just say something about a “quasi-democratic farce”? Those of you who ask such questions must be fortunate enough to reside in one of the locales whose popular vote actually—occasionally—exercises some influence on the outcome of the election process. I, however, am a citizen of a charming little global superpower whose leader is ultimately chosen by an entity known as the Electoral College. These Electors are chosen, and their votes allocated, according to some arcane ritual—possibly involving the blood of a former Fed chairman—which has remained one of our nation’s most closely-guarded secrets (second in mystique only to the formula for McDonald’s Special Sauce). The polling places around here have more of the air of placebo than of plebiscite about them. Naturally, this incites questions regarding the essential validity of the Electoral College system in general, and I don’t personally feel inclined to marshal either the degree of eloquence or of moral outrage necessary to take up that particular discussion. If you just happen to have the informational munchies, there’s some food for thought to be found at ElectionReform.org.
Since I have so prodigiously digressed, I'll restate my initial point, which was that the finalization of the 2004 elections process was good news. Why? Because I can’t even remember what in the hell I used to talk about. I’m violently, viscerally sick of being harangued by the over-paid, over-starched, over-blown partisan hand puppets in the media. I’ve been pursuing the finer points of the Philosophy of Social Fuckery for a year now, and I would frankly rather scratch my testicles with a chainsaw than sit through another week of it. I think it’s time I—and all of America—put aside all this foolishness and got back to doing what we, as Americans, are supposed to be doing, like stabbing each other over parking spaces, committing drunken hate crimes, and playing pornographic video games (caution: nsfw).

…some days I think the guys in Sealand have the right idea…