America 101

I know I promised to lay off the politicking for a while, but it's time we got some things strait. What follows is the first installment in what is to be a series of thumbnail dissections of life in this slice of alternate reality we like to call the United States. Stay tuned, and remember to take copious notes, because there will be a test...
Alright, kids, pay attention. Class is in session.

"Values":

The Neocon morality circus is based, by all appearances, on two things: gay rights and abortion. As for the abortion issue, I can only say that the female body is just one more place that the government should absolutely not be sticking its collective beauracratic proboscis. It's bad enough that Uncle Sam feels driven to legislate the rest of our meager existences, but I'll be damned if I can understand how we're expected to allow him to issue mandates to the females among us detailing the choices they're allowed to make concerning their own bodies. Our leaders need to demonstrate a little more concern for the economy and foreign policy and leave the womb to its owner. Period. End of fucking story. You conservatives want to talk to me about the sanctity of human life, stop parading the youth of America around the globe forcing them to trade their lives for your heinous warcrimes. Then we'll talk. Frankly, I think you women out there ought to be marching in the fucking streets.
And concerning gay rights, I have a couple of thoughts. First, there is no reasoning, absolutely none whatsoever, that anyone can construct to oppose equality for homosexuals that is not rooted either in old-white-monied, country-clubbing, myself-and-people-like-me status quo fetishism or deep-woods Bible-beating fundamentalist Christianity. There's no way anyone can convince me that any person, at any time, has ever been harmed by the legally-recognized marriage of two people of the same sex. And let's have no more of the imperative of procreation codswollop, shall we? Not unless you intend to dissolve the marriages of a large portion of the heterosexual population who either cannot or will not reproduce. I'm sick and fucking tired of being lectured on the sanctity of a holy institution by fat, balding white men who probably go straight home afterwards, swill a fifth of Beefeater, and beat the shit out of their wives before falling asleep in front of the Cubs game. Not to put too fine a point on the matter, unequal legal treatment of homosexuals is nothing more than old fashioned good ol' boy bigotry. "What would Jesus do?" my ass.