Big Brother Says...

Gee, boys and girls, all sorts of nifty-keen things have happened since we talked last. Let's see: Well, we've mobilized an assault on Fallujah in concert with the "Iraqi military" (including all fifteen troops and their five jeeps). Ostensibly, this effort comes under the direction of the equally dubious Iraqi government. Of course, if you listen to the right people, pretty soon they'll have you believing Zell Miller is a Democrat, the coal industry respects the environment and Elvis is alive and well and running a Kia dealership in Duluth. Anyway, the combined might of the American armed forces and their few 'willing' compatriots has been funneled through Fallujah, where all those lucky lads have been given the opportunity to hone their skills on the world's most fiendish Hogan's Alley. Meanwhile, the insurgent forces, in what is probably the least surprising development in the history of modern warfare, have largely abandoned the city, fleeing to Allah alone knows where. Now, I'm no military strategist. I'm not even a lowly soldier--and praise be to whatever Gods there are if I should never be. But surely I'm not the only one who, upon examining the enemy's combat behavior, is visited by inexplicable visions of broken Nazi machinery, half-frozen French infantry, and, far away in the background, just out of focus, the vague suggestion of Moscow in flames?

The counting of votes from election night '04 still goes forward in some locations. In addition, the analysis of vote tallies has become, in some places, a large element of the local economies. Apparently, these are cities located in some nearby parallel dimension wherein there is still some dispute over who won the election. As I've said before, no matter what the investigations turn up, the election is over. Even if you somehow manage to prove that George W. Bush is carrying on clandestine homoerotic sado-bestiality rituals with the founder of Diebold and three of the company's top shareholders, the result is much the same: regardless of who actually got elected, George Bush won, and we are substantially the losers.

In other news, those of you who haven’t left for Canada yet but still wish to avoid the coming draft, I'd suggest moving up your travel plans. President Bush just this afternoon, during a joint interview from the oval office with the head of NATO, reaffirmed his commitment to provide his military commanders with anything and everything they needed to fight this war. Last I checked, they weren't phoning the White House asking for cookie dough and nail polish. Oh, by the way, I checked, and Sealand is not offering any new citizenships at this time.

John Ashcroft is out. I’m sure terrorists the world over will be breathing a sigh of relief as they strap on the ol’ Semtex waistcoats tomorrow morning.

In these trying times, it is only to be expected that certain grave issues come to light from time to time: questions of morality, possibly, of mortality, most certainly, and let us not forget that issue which has plagued the great minds since the dawn of mankind: whether or not we should prospect for oil in Alaska. I’m normally the first to come down on the side of Mother Nature, particularly when the interests of Big Business are concerned. But right about now I’ve got far more important things on my mind than whether or not a bunch of Texans are throwing together a wildcat oil expedition in the Arctic. I don’t care, right at this very moment, if they are probing for fossil fuels inside the bodies of endangered owls. And yes, I do recognize that this is precisely the sort of reasoning that has allowed this foolishness to be resurrected in the first place. Frankly, I think the sooner we run out of oil, the sooner we’re all going to have to stop bickering like children and either get along long enough to find alternatives or destroy each other outright.

Either way, there’ll be quiet.

I’ve got a great deal more to say, but right now I’m tired and hungry and I have reason to believe that I’m becoming cynical.

End Communication