Philosophy For Humans II:

Why can't we all just get along?

Today's Track: Peace Train--Cat Stevens

I've recently undertaken something of a minor sociological experiment, partly out of curiosity and partly due to the alarming amount of free time I seem to have these days. Originally, the experimental parameters called for me to randomly accost members of carefully analyzed demographics and pose them a certain question, whose answers I would carefully observe and note for later study. The question, incidentally, was this:

If you were somehow to be granted three wishes, entirely at your discretion, for what would you wish?

Notice I say that these were the original parameters. Very early on, I realized that there were a number of flawed assumptions in my experimental premise, the most significant one being that I would, in fact, have the patience and motivation to follow my own program. So I've since made a few minor modifications. The "carefully analyzed demographics" have, more recently, consisted entirely of any semi-conscious individuals within earshot when my question happened to occur to me. Second, I decided that my initial question was much to difficult to be answered within a reasonable amount of time. On average, people get through the first two wishes easily enough. But by the third, they either seize up entirely or are inexplicably reminded of some indecipherable anecdote--which no doubt absolutely slayed all listeners no more than three decades ago--which must be told immediately, lest the heavens crash down about our very heads. Therefore, rather than subject myself to another rendition of the Jimmy Carter/swimming rabbit story, I elected to limit the proposal to one wish only. Lastly, my precise and diligent note-taking and data analysis has given way to a slightly more laid back process, by which I sit quietly and nod while my subject answers the question, all the while scribbling humorous and/or obscene stick-figure cartoons on my notepad. Or, assuming I’ve forgotten my notepad (which is frequently the case), I merely intensify the thoughtful nodding to reassure the subject of my interest, and then make up something later.
What I've discovered through this investigation is this: people are filthy, lying scum. Alright, perhaps this isn't entirely accurate. To be totally fair, I should note that there are a significant number of people who are simply frighteningly deluded. Why do I say this? You see, not once, not one single time did I ask anyone--man, woman, or child--this question and receive a completely honest or sane answer. Take, for instance, a friend of mine. We'll just call him "Bob", since that's the name he always gives the cops. Now, I know a great deal about "Bob", and so I felt fairly comfortable, upon posing my query to him, that I had correctly anticipated his answer. But I was completely taken aback. For the dear fellon...er, that is, fellow, responded that his first and greatest wish would be for--get this--world peace. He was not, I'm afraid, alone in this. On average, and discounting a scant few (obviously mutant) persons, both men and women seem invariably to ask for peace on earth, in lieu of what most humans actually want: booze, sex, and piles of currency large enough to be mistaken for furniture. As to why this is the case, see above.
And so we come to what I wanted to talk about tonight. Namely, that elusive utopian notion we lump under the heading "world peace". Man has striven for this obviously ludicrous ideal with nearly the same fervor with which he has sought the true purpose of that oddly-shaped bit of metal which sits perpetually buried in the drawer beside the refrigerator and a way to prevent the formation of that perplexing substance--technically known as "gunk"--that forms around the openings of toothpaste tubes. And, as the results of my rigorous investigation indicate, it's an issue which rests heavily on the minds of all those people who occasionally need a convenient falsehood to make themselves appear more enlightened than they really are upon being asked a stupid philosophical question in a bar. This is quite a problem for mankind, having constantly to search for that which seems so far beyond hope of acquisition. As always, I feel powerfully compelled to bend all my efforts to aide my fellow man in any way that I may. Also, I feel powerfully compelled not to go clean out the gutters. This being the case, I've sequestered myself away and done a great deal of extremely intensive pondering on the subject, much of which would appear, to the untrained observer, to bear a striking resemblance to watching televised sporting events. So far, here's what I've come up with (please bear with me):
Give everyone--every last man, woman, child, and perhaps dog--a gun. Instruct them to consider their state of mind, and their feelings for the world as a whole. If the verdict is anything other than totally positive, command them to begin shooting and don't stop until they're satisfied. After some period of time, there will be only one left standing. He/she will have all the peace they could ever ask for.
Or, if this approach seems a bit too drastic, then construct a massive space vessel. Issue a boarding invitation to everyone, but bearing the stipulation that they only join the company if they feel that they are in some way critical to mankind as a whole. Obviously, this will attract the entire human population. Randomly select one to leave behind. After a time of adjustment, that person will realize true peace.
Assuming that you're still reading, you have now, no doubt, decided that my views are obstructively cynical and not a little bit antisocial. In my defense, I say: Nuts to you. But seriously, you can't have total peace as long as there are lots of people roaming freely about. It's just not possible. Not only is it not within the scope of human nature, it's not even within the scope of nature, period. Any time there are a group of organisms within an environment, there must necessarily be contention of some sort. It's not even important how large the number. Take a note, this is the important bit:

So long as there are just two creatures of any kind in an ecosystem, one of the two will, without fail, attempt to eat/mate with/sell insurance to the other one.

So there you have it. World peace is not possible unless you propose to eliminate all the other people on the earth. There's a moral to be learned here. Namely, that you should always avoid anyone conduting surveys in bars.