It's All In Your Head

Today's Track: Mind Games--John Lennon

I pass this on to you, a gift from my friend Lord Cynicus. I wish it to be known that I do not advocate his views--or indeed any of a great number of other aspects of his personality--in any way whatsoever. Read at your own hazard, and make of it what you will...

Just for the sake of sheer bloody randomness, and the fact that I thought some of this stuff highly unusual and/or amusing, I present you with this list of nifty psychological factoids which I have gone to the trouble of culling and compiling personally from a much longer list of what I am afraid are completely legitimate and clinically recognized mental dysfunctions.
Also, incidentally, how's that for an impressive run-on sentence?


First, the disorders involving geography and culture. I'm betting none of these people are cartographers.

• Francophobia- Fear of France, French culture.
  (Fear of France? Apparently this disease has never affected any of the world's military leaders.)
  
• Anglophobia- Fear of England, English culture, etc.
  (I think this is common to anyone who's had to sit through a cricket match.)
  
• Germanophobia- Fear of Germany, German culture, etc.
  (Nazi joke, anyone?)
  
• Dutchphobia- Fear of the Dutch.
  (I don't have any idea. Windmills and paying separately...)
  
• Japanophobia- Fear of Japanese.
  (Pokemon are enough to strike fear into anyone)
  
• Sinophobia- Fear of Chinese, Chinese culture.
  (I've seen enough Bruce Lee movies to think this one might not be such a bad idea)
  
• Russophobia- Fear of Russians.
  (A few bad Vodka hangovers will do that to you...)
  
• Judeophobia- Fear of Jews.
  (Ritual semi-public circumcision, plastic-covered sofas, overbearing mothers, and Jerry Seinfeld. No further questions.)

Some phobias are just obvious, once you think about it.

• Atomosophobia - Fear of atomic explosions.
  (Phobia, my ass.)
  
• Poinephobia- Fear of punishment.
  (Duh.)
  
• Politicophobia- Fear of politicians.
  (Always a good policy.)
  
• Satanophobia- Fear of Satan.
  (I thought that one was called Christianity?)
  
• Stygiophobia or Stigiophobia- Fear of hell.
  (What more can I possibly say?)
  
• Nucleomituphobia- Fear of nuclear weapons.
  (Seriously, now...)
  
• Soceraphobia- Fear of parents-in-law.
  (Occurs frequently in males, especially those who have been unexpectedly interrupted in the process of making love to the daughters of former Army Rangers and Mafia buttonmen)

Some irrational fears are more common than others. Many are easily avoidable, and a few may even be beneficial.

• Galiophobia)Ergophobia- Fear of work.
  (That one's just too easy.)
  
• Epistemophobia- Fear of knowledge.
  (This must be a widespread illness. I know of a few potential undiagnosed cases in my family alone...)
  
• Dikephobia- Fear of justice.
  (No problem. Just become a lawyer. No worries.)
  
• Cherophobia- Fear of gaiety.
  (Very simply dealt with. Just become a cricket fan. Or, alternately, campaign with Al Gore.)
  
• Allodoxaphobia- Fear of opinions.
  (Followers of talk radio throughout the world know the trick to this one. You may still be exposed to the occasional opinion, but you sure as hell won't have to form any of your own.)
  
• Ideophobia- Fear of ideas.
  (Politics is the only way to go, here.)
  
• Kleptophobia- Fear of stealing.
  (Under no circumstances should you venture into politics.)
  
• Oenophobia- Fear of wines.
  (We know for certain that, whatever be his problems, Ted Kennedy never suffered from this one.)
  
• Ouranophobia- Fear of heaven.
  (Probably not a big concern for the general populace... But, you could always follow in the footsteps of Jim Baker. That should take care of the problem.)
  
• Peniaphobia- Fear of poverty.
  (Lawyer, politician, televangelist, take your pick.)
  
• Phronemophobia- Fear of thinking.
  (Who ordered the politician joke?)
  
• Prosophobia- Fear of progress.
  (See above.)
  
• Sophophobia- Fear of learning.
  (The public school system is a goldmine for researchers in this field...)

Some mental disorders, despite the fact that they sound funny, are really quite serious.

• Ithyphallophobia- Fear of seeing, thinking about or having an erect penis.
  ("Viagra? I wonder what this stuff is good for?" ... "AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!")
  
• Macrophobia- Fear of long waits.
  (Stay the hell out of amusement parks, and don't even attempt to phone Microsoft tech support.)
  
• Medomalacuphobia- Fear of losing an erection.
  (I hate to be the one to tell you, guys, but...)
  
• Mnemophobia- Fear of memories.
  (I always hated that song, too.)
  ("Hey! Cool! A castle! Wait a minute... I don't remember any ca-- AAARRRGGHH!")
  
• Syngenesophobia- Fear of relatives.
  (Any frequent attendees of my family reunions will vouch for this one.)
  
• Tremophobia- Fear of trembling.
  (This is really a vicious cycle, isn't it? Think about it...)

Some phobias are just totally beyond description.

• Geniophobia- Fear of chins.
  ("Oh, God!!! Is that Jay Leno over there?!!)
  
• Alliumphobia- Fear of garlic.
  (Insert six billion vampire jokes here.)
  
• Homilophobia- Fear of sermons.
  (Anybody out there remember Jonathan Edwards?)
  
• Lachanophobia- Fear of vegetables.
  (Anybody out there remember Gerald Ford?)
  
• Metrophobia- Fear or hatred of poetry.
  (If you lived through high school English, you ain't laughing. Oh, the Vogonity...)
  
• Nomatophobia- Fear of names.
  (That must have been the deal with that horse, huh?)
  
• Philosophobia- Fear of philosophy.
  (...got savagely attacked by Confucianists as a child, no doubt.)
  
• Sitophobia or Sitiophobia- Fear of food or eating. (Cibophobia)
  (Say what you want. But at least these people aren't all full of shit...)

Despite the fact that all of these psychological dysfunctions are quite legitimate, some of them sound as thought they just HAVE to be jokes.

• Hellenologophobia- Fear of Greek terms or complex scientific terminology.
  (Irony, anyone?)
  
• Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia- Fear of long words.
  (Now, that's just cruel)
  
• Bolshephobia- Fear of Bolsheviks.
  (It's either the totalitarianism or the hats, I'm just not sure which...)
  
• Aulophobia- Fear of flutes.
  (The film American Pie must have had a greater impact on the world than was anticipated.)
  
• Arachibutyrophobia- Fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth.
  (AAWUUNH BUUHHH!!!!!!)
  
• Linonophobia- Fear of string.
  (This disease has cost the lives of several unsuspecting tourists in the American southwest.)
  (My ball of twine is bigger than yours!!)
  
• Oneirogmophobia- Fear of wet dreams.
  (Isn't adolescence tough enough?)
  
• Symbolophobia- Fear of symbolism.
  ("I wonder what this all really means?" ... "AAARRRGGGHHH!!!")
  
• Phobophobia- Fear of phobias.
  (...for the uncreative basket case...)

And, in the grand tradition of reserving something confusing and vaguely disappointing for last, I present you with...

Zemmiphobia- Fear of the great mole rat.


In deference to the magnitude of this, I will withhold comment. Feel free to generate your own witty remarks.

I hope you have enjoyed this guided journey through the heart of bizarre scientific gibberish. Tonight, we've all learned a great lesson.
Namely, boredom is a powerful thing.
Happy hunting, but remember: I am a trained professional jackass. You should never attempt any of this at home without the appropriate medical and/or military supervision.